Guilt and Change

I’ve been thinking a lot about guilt lately. Maybe it’s because it’s currently Lent in the Western Christian calendar, when many Christians practice self-reflection about their wrongdoings and commit to doing better. Guilt gets a bad rap, as emotions go. It's not pleasant, but just as other negative emotions like anger, sadness, and pain have their uses, so does guilt. In particular, guilt alerts people to what they're doing that they shouldn't be (or what they're not doing that they should be). It's an indicator that something is wrong and needs to change. The problem, so often, is what people feel guilty about, and what they do about that feeling.

I've seen a post going around social media of an exchange between a therapist and a client. The therapist says that children are resilient, and the client replies that if that's true, why do all adults need therapy? This leaves the therapist at a loss for words.

Obviously, this exchange rests on several assumptions-- first of all, who decided that "all adults" need therapy? Yet equally obviously, the therapist has a professional interest in not disputing this premise. In fact, the therapist is in a real bind, because of the conflicting messages that mental health culture has about parental guilt. One message, directed at parents (especially mothers) is that parental guilt is unnecessary, irrational, and pointless. All parenting choices are equally valid. Children are resilient and will not be harmed by anything their parents do to them. The other message, directed at adults who feel harmed or traumatized by their childhood experiences, is that their grievances are valid, and they should not have been expected to simply resiliently endure their parents' mistreatment of them. The inherent conflict in these messages leads to some truly contorted reasonings in mental health culture – all parents are doing the best they can and should not be judged nor feel guilty, but all children are abused and traumatized by their parents. Usually the hinge used to square this conflict is that parental-induced trauma is caused by parents’ own “trauma” or “mental illness” – all parents do their best, but they are Intrinsically Defective, so they contaminate others with their Intrinsic Mental Defect.

From a radical Mad/ neurodiversity/ cognitive liberty and youth rights perspective, the problem is not “mental illness” or trauma, but power – parents and guardians, and adults generally, have near absolute power over children. Their exercise of this power, even if well-meaning, is frequently harmful and traumatic. People who wield this near-absolute power may feel guilt over some of the choices they make, but they rarely question their own position of power.

Guilt is a natural response to holding positions of power, because we naturally have some inkling that holding power over others is in some way wrong. But without an acknowledgment or analysis of that power, and steps taken to wield power responsibly (or surrender it), guilt becomes useless.

Ask any group of people what they feel guilty about, or what their worst vices are. A surprising number will mention something to do with food. Eating ice cream isn’t a vice! The only food you should feel guilty about eating is human meat. Otherwise, you’re fine. Food is morally neutral. Why do so many people feel guilty about eating snacks, but not about participation in oppressive capitalist kyriarchy? Why do so many parents feel guilty about using one or another kind of diapers, but not for beating their children, subjecting them to behaviorism, or micromanaging their lives, which they invariably defend as good and correct parenting? Why do people feel guilty about the sugar content in the cookies they eat, but not the labor conditions in the factories that made them?

If what you feel guilty about isn’t what actually harms people – and if your guilt isn’t motivating you to take steps to change or mitigate that harm – then it’s useless, and you might as well give it up. But if you’re willing to be honest with yourself, look at how your behavior actually affects others, and change it accordingly.