That's the problem

 Today's rant is entitled: "Yes, I know they meant it as a compliment, and that's the problem."

Many microaggressions are framed as "compliments." The offense is compounded by the fact that if we complain about them, someone always swoops in to 'splain to us that ACTUALLY, it was meant as a compliment. As if the problem is that we were somehow too naïve to realize this.

"You've lost weight" is one I receive often. It's insulting and annoying, because my weight is no one else's business. If I complain to anyone about this, I'm told, "They meant it as a compliment." Yes, I know. That is the problem. They assume that being fat is a bad thing, and therefore "You look less fat" is a compliment. That is the problem. Being fat is not, in fact, a bad thing, therefore, "You look less fat" is not, in fact, a genuine compliment.

"You don't look autistic/disabled," "It doesn't show," and "I couldn't tell" are the most common responses I get to coming out as autistic or neurodivergent. Yes, these responses are meant as compliments. Because the speaker assumes that being or "looking" autistic or disabled is a bad thing, and therefore "You look almost neurotypical" is a compliment. The intended "compliment" is in fact, inseparable from the underlying offensive belief.

"You don't look a day over 18!" I was told once by an older man at my public-facing job. He meant it as a compliment. He meant that I looked young and pretty, not old and haggard. But I was well over 18. His "compliment" carried the assumption that women stop being attractive at age 18, which is disturbing, not complimentary.

"You don't look like what you are" is only a "compliment" if you accept the premise that what you are is a bad thing. Stop giving these kinds of pseudo-"compliments," and if someone complains to you about being given one of these pseudo-"compliments," please don't 'splain to them that "ACTUALLY, they meant that as a COMPLIMENT." We know. That's the problem.